Chocolates,Teddybears and Broken Heart

Raina was all alone.There was noone who understood her.In her life she had got nothing else than hatred,betrayal and tears.Love was alien to her.Her world was her room because she was confined to that room only.She was not allowed to go out and revel like other girls of 18 years old.Each and every day of her life had become difficult for her to live.

One day when she was chatting online,which was the only way for her to connect to the outer world,an unknown friend request came in her profile.At first she didn't accept it but after sometime she confirmed it.Then started the usual conversation like hi,hello,how are you.Summoned by her mother she logged out and went to attend to her mother.For many days she didn't bother to check her mailbox and account.Next time when she logged in she found Ankit,that unknown friend of her online.Depressed,tired,frustrated Raina started conversing with Ankit.She found him very friendly  and understanding.They both exchanged phone number.After that chat Raina was feeling better as if for the first time she had poured her heart out to somebody.


That night Raina called Ankit up.He was very nice to Raina.This phone call and chatting had become another world for her.A world far better than the real world ,a world which Raina herself  had created  for her.This world was like micro world within the macro world of Raina.Raina  had always loved her father.He was the first man with whom Raina fell in love.But her father didn't have time to notice the love of Raina.He was too busy with his work,and his family.Yes 'his family' thats what Raina used to say.That family was complete when Raina was not there.Whenever she entered into frame there took place  some trifle due to some or other reasons.


Thinking of all these and immersed in reading novel Raina fell asleep.At 2a.m Raina's cellphone vibrated Ankit was calling her but Raina was fast asleep.The call went unattended.When Raina woke up the following morning,she saw the missed call but then threw the phone back to her bed as if it has not bothered her.Raina didn't have clue that Ankit would call her up again.That night Ankit called around 11p.m and asked about her well being.This continues for few days.Ankit started calling her up frequently.

Eventually Raina's behavior started changing.Raina who was hardly conscious about herself started taking care of her,she started dreaming,fantasizing.The boy whom she had never met,the boy who was living far away from her had brought so many changes to her life.She used to share each and every detail of her life with him.Now Raina herself started realising something different was happening.She was daydreaming about somebody whom she had never met.If any day she couldn't get him through phone she started worrying.She herself didn't know that should she call it love or infatuation?


For the first time in her life.she had met someone who understood her.cared for her.Raina used to love the way Ankit pronounced her name.Once Raina said to Ankit "when you take my name,it feels great.You pronounce it with so much love,affection and warmth as nobody else had ever pronounced it,not even my father".aAnd her eyes misted with tears.Ankit used to console and treat her like baby.She was very immature.Ankit made her understand.At times Ankit even said to her "if possible distance yourself from me because i  don't want to see you in tears but i can't give you any future as well".But now Raina was deeply and madly in love with him.Slowly and gradually Raina started feeling the presence of Ankit with him.Geographical distance didn't matter her.She told all her friends about Ankit.They advised Raina to sever contact with him and told her how these days peoplw were using social networking sites for wrong purpose.But Raina's heart was telling different story to her.Ankit couldn't  be wrong.He had been sent to her by God.She deided to maintain this contact through phone with Ankit.Ankit was not only her friend,he was philosopher and guide too.Whenever she was wrong and confused,she used to ask him and Ankit used to give her lecture for long.All these were happening through phone.For a girl like Raina who didn't know what love was.This was precious gift.She wanted to kiss him and wanted to be in his arms.But fate had something else in  store for her.



Everything was going perfectly.Raina started seeing outer world through Ankit's eyes.Till that time Raina had learnt manything from him.Raina got to know that she needed to change herself.There are many flaws in her.Three long years had passed by and they didn't even realise.Raina became emotionally dependent on him.But one night they had some misunderstandings and Ankit ended the call.Before this also they had small trifle many-times and it got alright after sometime.So Raina decide to give him his space and not to call him up for few days.On Christmas eve Raina wanted to wish him merry christmas.So she called  him up but the words which she got to hear "the number you are trying to reach is currently busy on anothe call".

Raina knew apart from Raina Ankit had contact with many girls.But Raina accepted that thing also.She tried three times but every time her call went on hold.Then Ankit called her back and said "how dare you disturb me".

Raina-i'm sorry.


Ankit-bye.


Raina fell down on her bed where many books were laying.On one paper it was written

"to my love Ankit
thanks for everything.i'll never be able to forget you."

zindagi

e zindagi itni shiddat se maine tujhse pyar kia,
tere har pal mein khud ko sarabor kia.
leti rahi har pal tu mera imtihan,
aur maine muskurake uska saamna kia.

my first poem for the love of my life

wish i had dove's wing,
i could fly away to that distant land.
wish i had wind's speed,
i could blow in that land.

the land where my dear friend u reside,
the land where all my dreams are playing.

With tears in eyes

Shakespeare has said that this world is like a stage and every men and women are playing thir respective roles.How true he was to compare this world to a stage and men and women with actors.They are playing their role so well that @ times it really becomes difficult to know their true self.They have camouflaged themselves.Perhaps they themselves have forgotten what they are at heart.


It really pisses me off when i see a person being very nice to me on my face and on my back speaking ill of me.Why don't people have guts to speak what they  feel.After all  they are not put on earth to please everyone.There are persons who may not be your favourite.It really tough to judge who are your well wishers and who are just passing time with you.My life is full of such experiences.Despite having all these experience,i fail to draw the fine line between my well wisher and those who are wearing mask of being good.After every bitter experience i vowed to myself that i would never repeat this mistake but next time i end up committing that mistake again.


My friends say i am a typical cancerian and therefore very submissive by nature.I trust people easily and get betrayed by them easily as well.everytime i get ready to sacrifice everything for any body.But in return what i get betrayal.It hurts most when the person for whom u are making such sarifices is not acknowledging your sacrifices.Our elders often preach us just do your bit and don't expect anything in return.but is it so easy??we are human and whenever we do anything we do expect the result of it.we love somebody in order to be loved in return........sorry to my dear elders but everytime i cant abide by the your teachings.I live in this terrestrial world then how can i embrace the ideas of celestial world. It is for mystics not for simple person like me.


Many a times i have been adviced to bring some dignity in my personality and should not let people to take me for granted.But i feel y should i change myself ??.......i should be myself its true that am being hurt this way.......@ times i feel this is what post modern period is all about just put on make up to hide yourself and give a fake smile to the world no matter if you are in your best or worst mood...just show off.Tell people what they listen from you not what you feel about them.

I am writing this article in my blog with tears in my eyes because today once again i am feeling being betrayed.i know all the sentences are fragmented but it depicts my feelings which are also fragmented.Shit
once again i have failed to unmask the person.I have just become an option for somebody,when that person is alone and lonely.......They say there is an even handed justice,if their is any then why am not getting the result of my selfless sacrifices.Why the hell am feeling miserable when i haven't done anything wrong.


This time i can say only one thing...............exhaling a deep breath "ohh God am tired,am really tired.How long i have to suffer this"

This year's Durga puja

Goddess Durga has come to shower blessings on her devotees.She ushers in the message of peace and harmony.There is a atmosphere of festivity everywhere.People decked up their houses and pandals for her welcome.It is the best of times for children as no deadlines imposed on them to return home,no limitations to pocket money.Late night pandal hopping with friends,beloved;)......gorging on junk food,mouth watering street food which makes one forgo one's diet plan.On astami maaer bhog without which this puja is incomplete,chat over home cooked food all these make this puja so special.I take pride in calling myself Indian because it is only in India that this avalanche of festivals inculcate the spirit of community celebration in us and at the same time these festivals give us reason to celebrate all year round..


This year i shopped many branded clothes for puja and was very excited to  immerse in festive spirit.I had also planned  manything for pujas but by the time puja arrived all my excitement disappeared somewhere and i had not done as per plan.My mum and sis went out pandal hopping and they asked me as well to join them but i declined because i was in no mood to do that.This year my father couldn't come down to kolkata,perhaps that also kept me down during this festive season as i was missing him terribly whenever i saw any kid walking hand in hand with his/her father.it was evoking my childhood memories. In Delhi we used to go pandal hopping in cr park and i remember when he was deputed in delhi police,despite his night shift he took me out during durga puja.......we used to have great time over there.


Every year i decide to do many thing but at the end all my plans fall flat.Dnt know wats wrong with me,i only think and think and never work upon those thoughts.this goes with the title of my blog(thinking darling).Everybody was asking me for outing but deep down i was not feeling gud so i didn't go..... i know making excuses everytime will take me away from my close ones......but am not put on earth to please everyone then why the hell should i bother about what others are thinking of me.....if am not happy then i cant pretend to be happy because am extremely poor at camouflaging my feelings....let the world enjoy ,leave me to myself.........


Hope by next year everything in my life gets well and i'll be able to enjoy the puja to the fullest....

Belated teacher's day of our department was celebrated on 13-05-2011.it happens every year,we celebrate it belated.This was going to be our last teacher's day of college life.Next year we will b bidding farewell to our college.We the students of 3rd year took the initiative and made sure that everything should take place at its best.Preparations had started a week ago.Every body was doing his/her bit to make it memorable teacher's day.


The previous night i practised my speech and song.As it was a bengali song.My younger sister helped me with that.Some of my friends had planned to wear saree that day.So my mum ironed it and set aside all accessories going with that.I wanted to look good that day.I got up early in the morning,got ready and reached college by 10.30a.m.Earlier we had been told that the programme would start  from 12.00noon but later it got delayed due to some official reasons.It started with a rabindra sangeet  by Sampurna Basu followed by farewell speech by somaritha n me.

In that speech we shared our experiences of college life with our juniors.We also incorporated our memorable moments spent with our professors.Diptorup of 1st year and Arundhati of 2nd year hosted the programme.


Sohini's performance was outstanding.She enthralled  everybody when she danced on the track of 'barso re'.


 All the girls of our year sang group song 'pagla hawar badol dine'.One after anoter hilarious performances enchanted the audience.Our professors also took part in that.AGT sir sang'bheegi bheegi' n teri diwani'.It was fabulous.SSDG sir narrated the story written by him.This time the cake was cut by nwly arrivd professor AGT sir.

It was an enjoyable day.We had a great fun.Next year we will be remembering this day and that will make us feel nostaligic.

These days @ college

Teacher's day has passed on 5th sept but in our college we are celebrating belated teacher's day.Preparations are in full swing,everybody has geared up for it.This is our final year,thatswhy our batch doesn't want to let any stone unturned for the celebration.Professors are also making preparations for that day,after all they'll be performing too on that day.Apart from rehearsal for our respective programmes,we are also thinking on what to wear on that day.Juniors are excited about this and their cooperation is really praiseworthy.Inspite of taking down teacher's note we are writing the lyrics of song at back bench.An atmosphere of anticipation is all around.

While in the midst of all this preparation for celebration,deep down am feeling bit sad because next year when all this will be happening.our batch will no more be here.We will pass out and hold an B.A degree with us.Its true time flies.At times i feel as if last year only i joined college and next year i'll have to leave it.I have always been excited about college.I had planned  many things which i would do in college but i might not have done those due to some reason or other but i still enjoyed this phase of my life.I have learnt many new things here,which  will be very helpful to me in my coming life.

It was 7.07.2009,a fine rainy morning i went to Serampore college along my mum.When asked to the guard about my department,i was told it it is in bicentary block.Earlier i had thought i would not be able to find gud friends in college but i was totally wrong.When these three years have passed by,i didn't even realise.Here i cried,laughed.fought,freaked out with friends.Here i have led a different life.

Our professors without whom our department is incomplete are really great persons.They are not just teachers,they are friends,philosophers and guide.It is so easy to approach them and they are always ready to help at the time of need.

Time passes by but only memories remain.Few years after when i'll be looking back at these days,it'll simply bring a smile on my face.And also give me strength to move forward and make my dream true.

Classic Vs Best sellers

Got back from college jst a while ago.....today we had  a blast over there.i hardly enjoy to that extent these days but there is  a saying  which goes like this "if u laugh the world will laugh with you,but if you cry you will cry alone.That what has happened today,Argha the hunk and prank player gave us our dose of laughter by his actions and pranks.From the time our class had started i found him engrossed in reading something,but i was sure that the book he was reading doesn't concern with our syllabus moreover argho never read textbook so seriously at college,then what could it be??i went to him after mam had left the class and asked him...he gave a nice smile and said "That kiss in the rain".Finally there is something that had enchanted argho.After that we all started teasing him and making our own interpretation of that book.


Generally we find these types of books gain much attention of youngsters than classics one.Particularly students find them interesting and at the same time 'readable' stuff.Our elders always nag to read and laments how the hobby reading has lost these days.No doubt that classical novel has its own value and  its incredible as well.But modern day best sellers contain stories which are very much similar to our own life.For e.g Five point someone by Chetan Bhagat narrates story of many IITians ,infact not only restricted to IIT but many college goers can relate themselves to that.I remember one of our professor once  said 'have you guys read five point someone, its actually my life'.But we can hardly relate ourselves to the imperial theme of  Macbeth and Hamlet by none other than Shakespeare.These were his immortal creation,but at the same time we cannot deny his erudition that has given his writings place in the syllabus of many universities.Despite this if you ask a youngster to read classics he wont be that much interested as  that of any any best seller.

What makes these best sellers so interesting.Perhaps their eye catching title or their story line.While we read those books for a moment we find such incident had happened to us once or to our friend."I too had a love story" by Ravinder Singh is what is happening these days on facebook and other social networking sites.I have a friend who was in a relationship with a girl he met online.

But if we really want to improve our erudition and thinking power we cannot neglect classics.Their heavy language which makes us refer to dictionary do us lots of good.Though we cannot fully relate ourselves to Macbeth and his time but the ideas that they had in their mind mirror our mind.We all want to  be powerful and we all face dilemma of Hamlet-to do or not to do.


Classics has its own place on our study table and we got to give it a scholarly reading.But when we got bored of them,we pick up one of the bestsellers.we carry them to read in a coffee shop or in a train.Often reading them we giggle,crack jokes and sms to our friends to tell them what interesting stuff has been done in hostel room or in a terrace.

Finally Argho finished reading "that kiss in the rain" and as i have told earlier started emphasizing all the interesting stuffs in that.Now that book is with Upasana and she is reading it by staying awake till late at night.Despite being a very bright student i remember how she hated going through all the texts.So the charm of these best sellers  is irresistible.

Read whatever you like be it classics  or bestsellers but inculcate this habit of reading.In my prof's word 'read anything from hagiography to pornography,read like a dog'.The pleasure of knowing is the biggest pleasure under the sun.Once it becomes your habit,it will intoxicate you much more than any alcohol do.

From a broken heart

It has been raining since last night and on this rainy night when i was having peaceful sleep,i dreamt about a person who though lives far away from me still his existence means a lot to me.at morning i woke up early as i had a tuition.I made haste and got ready for going to tuition.After a long time i wore ca pry today and of course my favourite cocoa lipstick.My mum gave me compliment after a longtime,perhaps i was really looking well as i couldn't help myself looking at mirror that too was happening after a longtime.Many things were happening after a longtime.but why?? why today??whats so special about today??may be because i dreamt about him last night and that what brought smile on my face and made me  happy from inside.it was no m ore forced smile.Today is a friendship day and it might be God's way of giving me  gift on behalf of my that friend.
one of my best friend Saheli Gupta was supposed to visit me but she faled to do so due to heavy torrential rain.Had she come,i might have been busy talking to her and doing lots of fun with her.But as she didn't turn up,now i am left with the memories of my last night dream.It is raining outside and i am sitting in front of  my familiar computer,doing my favourite activity i.e writing my blog.Fragnance of incense stick emanating from my mum's room,enhancing my mood.
At times your lot put you in such situation where u feel claustrophobic and you want to get yourself freed from there but to no avail.i still regret for not protesting against my father's decision of settling down in kolkata.Had i done so,today instead of writing blog this time i would have been with him and like other girls of my age i would have been  smiling and enjoying my life to the utmost.But am not so lucky to do so.
don't know whether he'll ever go through my blog or not and if he does so also whether he'll  understand that........................

"u r my waking dream"



"dreams on fire,passions are burning right on the pyre"

From dawn to dusk we work hard,we try to make our place in this world of cut-throat competition.We are just hankering after success.That so called success of which we are not sure whether we'll ever get or not.We are trying to make things happen for us.At times things just happen out of the blue still we accept it.
We have got so much obsessed with success that we are hardly left with time to smell beautiful roses of spring,to relish the beautiful night sky filled with stars and moon.We are running a mad race.This reminds me of one of the dialogues of  '3 Idiots' which says that if you don't take part in this race then you'll  be get crushed by others,so run fast in order to secure your place.Gone are the days when children had time to visit their cousins every weekend.They had time to go out  and play with their pals.Now things are different.Parents,teachers and their elders are advising them to study and pursue co-curricular activities as according to them that so-called  success can be attained either by getting white-collared job or by doing something great which will earn them 'name,fame and money'.They are hardly bothered about the aims and aspirations of that child ,what does he/she want to do.
From the very beginning i have been talking about 'success'.Now what is this so-called success.Is it as i have stated earlier to be on top or something else?I think it is relative.For some people it may mean to be on top,but for some its all about personal satisfaction.
I'll call myself successful when I'll be able to give all the happiness to my mom,which she deserves.For me its not about taking part in this rat race.I remember once my Professor said 'don't ruin your life by running after livelihood'.These words still echo in my ears.
It really feels good being successful.But don't become so blind that while pursuing your goals to be on top you get moved away from your inner self.For a moment take a pause and look into your inside and rediscover yourself.That day your notion about being successful will change.

I am so happy 2day,after a long gap i met my Friends in college.Finally i got a respite from monotonous life,all of us had got lot to share with each other but were totally confused where to start from........oh i should let you guys know that finally we have our most awaited professor.Though he is not like one we expected 'tall.dark and handsome' but still he is young and teaches really well what else we need then.Boys were as usual charged up for flirting as they don't have any other work to do.one funny thing happened today, our teacher is so young that boys wrong him for a student of 1st year and ragged him lolz......but thats so nice of him that he didn't take it seriously.All my friends celebrated my belated birthday,they wanted to cut cake but they didn't as they didn't get egg less cake and am a pure vegetarian and having egg is strictly no no.At times i think i should really resume having non-veg food again but something stops me,don't know what.........we ended by ragging freshers....it was really a great day full of fun,love,complains and most important thing that distinguishes our department from the other departments of our college i.e fellow feeling.We had a blast and we'll have more as this is our final year next year we'll be bidding goodbye to  our college.

when exam gets over

After my exams got over ws getting bored.i have a problem i think a lot thatswhy one of my friends named me thinking darling, and i decided to name my blog the same.so after exams i was thinking what to do,how to utilize my time and all of  a sudden i hit the idea of creating blog thatswhy i given it the title of thinking darling,d same which my friend has given me as i have already mentioned earlier.,...no college,no masti with friends,no study at all.guys if u r lukking for some interestng stuff in my blog then for sure you wont get it.My life has become so boring but i'll again get back  my life after my college reopens,then i'll have lots of news to share with you all.till then its all about i,me n myslf.............
for the time being" I AM D MONARCH OF ALL I SURVEY"